Eating Michael Bay’s Poop

So, I’m a little late on this one. My sincerest apologies.

Now, I’m a guy who lives in the real world. Life being what it is, and Michael Bay being Michael Bay, I knew that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen would be a big-budget, visually pleasing, popcorn movie.

What I didn’t realize was the exact thought process Mikey had in developing this “film.”

Here’s a simple how-to guide for the rest of us:

1.) Never meet a black person. Ever. Read four (4) Tyler Perry screenplays. Copy and Paste dialogue, adding some of your own.  Create the most offensive “jokes” captured on film since The Birth of a Nation (hilarious, by the way). Form a comedy team more annoying than Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy in Norbit.

2.) Sit down a 5-Year old. Have them watch the Star Wars prequel trilogy. Then The Day After Tomorrow. Then That Darn Cat (Not crucial, just an enjoyable film for a 5-year old). Now load this child up with unlimited Pixie Sticks and have them describe what they think happened in World War II. Take notes. Draw up some storyboards. Get a few hundred mil.

3.) Spend upwards of 80% of principle photography filming and re-filming shots of the girls you (and everyone else) couldn’t get with in High School.

4.) Never go to a frat party. Ever. Use your imagination to guide you as to what this party atmosphere may contain. You’re probably hitting the nail on the head. Yup, they are like very expensive strip clubs.

5.) Need a plot twist to mix things up a bit? Think of something that could be fun to blow up. Then do it.

There you go, folks, 5 simple steps to have people eating your 200-million dollar shit.

Love in 1080p

Had to craft a poem for creative writing and I’m not nearly angsty enough to write anything good and honest and whiny. Here’s what I churned out:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But in high-definition,
They can be more than that, too.

Every night, you delight me,
I am one you cannot bore,
Making my heart race
With shows like Fringe and 24.

Even prison rape is steamier,
When watching OZ in HD.
Each day I realize even more,
That you were meant for me.

You stimulate my senses,
(Even taste, once in a while).
Your bezel is sooo hot,
Attractive, & classy- in style.

What I’m trying to say,
Even if I’m sounding like a creep,
Is that you shall sow seeds of The Office,
And I’ll be the one to reap.

For nausea’s sake, give me According to Jim,
Perhaps Still Standing to make it worse;
Drive me to suicide with Two & a Half Men,
Even your wastelands I will traverse.

Bring on Lost, Tim and Eric,
Arrested Development or Seinfeld,
Always Sunny, From G’s to Gents,
Your remote will still be the greatest thing I’ve ever held.

Some will yell “You’re wasting you life,
Get outside; turn it off!”
But I cast scorn upon them all.
I shall sit and watch, never scoff.

So let no one speak badly of our romance,
Because compared to you, no one else stands a chance.

Procrastination

10 techniques for you and others to easily take over a quiet study area:

1.)Enter and quickly scan room for any and all intelligent life: come to terms with the fact that no matter how quiet, nice, or handicapped they look, you will soon be pushing them to the breaking point of leaving their coveted “secret study room.”

2.) Begin a lengthy setup process: you and your gang should have books, laptops, phone chargers, A/C adapter vibrators, coffee machines, and pens. All of these should be arranged in a loud, routine manner for about 6 to 8 minutes after entering. Be sure to grunt, cough, and moan emphatically.

3.) Insist on changing the room temperature: you should all begin sweating and bitching about how hot it is, even if it’s freezing cold. Open the windows. If they are latched, open the latches by smacking them with the spine of a large book. Make a whole production out of it.

4.) Make plenty of excess noise: nothing is more effective at clearing a study area. Rustle plastic bags, slam on your keyboard, etc. Start a slow clap. Start a “U!S!A!” chant. Just start screaming obscenities at each other. BONUS: call each other’s phones and have a conference call whilst on speaker.

5.) Make low, orgasmic sounds without revealing their origin.

6.) Throw things.

7.) Watch “Good Burger” in its entirety and follow it with an conversation regarding its existential overtones.

8.) Create a fort using chairs. Pretend that other people in the room are attempting to capture it. Fuck them with flaming textbooks. (Not literally, weirdo).

9). Get unseemly agitated when others move around or touch their papers.

10.) Fart and don’t stop til you’re sitting in shit.

Danny Bonadouchey

How many of you have found yourselves sitting around, touching yourself, littered with Dorito crumbs thinking: “I wonder if there’s a video of Dennis Rodman kicking a woman in the chest as hard as he can?”
This is the situation I found myself in late yesterday, and it has evolved into me writing this in the wee hours of a Monday morning. What, this isn’t normal?
After YouTube failed me, I was forced to turn to Google like some kind of pathetic layman. Google, however, did not betray me like that cheating whore of a video site did. What I found may be the single greatest piece of popular culture since the lovechild of the slinky and hula hoop (looks awesome on paper, leaves horrible, deep gashes in the torso).
It’s called “Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling.”
YES.
I’ll give you a moment to clean yourself up.
The only good thing to be on CMT (aside from Dolly Parton’s…hair), HHCCW takes 10 “celebrities,” and challenges them to become the best pro wrestler since David Arquette. Some of these remarkably wealthy and famous people include: Rodman, Willis from Diff’rent Strokes, Dustin Diamond, and, naturally, Danny “The Manny” Bonaduce.
More like Bonadouchey! Am I right, ladies?
Already used that joke. Damn.
Anyway, the first season (please, merciful God, give my life meaning by making a second) is available to stream from CMT’s horrible website. Delete your history afterward, lest your friends and family find out you’ve been even remotely interested in anything that channel has to offer.
After burning through most of the season in a matter of hours, I’ve gotten to see Bonadouchey live up to his namesake. At first, he’s actually kinda cool. Then you realize you’re fantasizing about dragging him behind a pickup for a good 45, maybe 50 minutes.
Seriously, watch the show, tell me you don’t agree with me.
And, if nothing else, you get to see Dennis Rodman kick a woman in the chest as hard as he can.

I knew it had to happen sometime.

Dancing

Well, the Bearcats finally got to the NCAA Tournament. At last, we can show the country why they should fear the name “Binghamton.” And, no, assholes, there isn’t a “P” in there.

We were ready to take on the world.

Not Duke. Please God, not Duke.

We played Duke.

Early on, it was determined that this game would be horribly depressing. In light of this, it was decided the booze would flow if any of the following conditions were met:

-We lose by more than 50
-We lose by exactly 25
-We lose by less than 10
-We lose by no more and no less than 14
-We lose by a prime number greater than 30
-The commentators say the word spoon twice
-The commentators use another computer metaphor to describe our players
-The commentators refer to our team as “a group of thugs” in light of our foul trouble
-Jaan Montgomery crushes a Duke cheerleader

It was a dry night for us all. Kind of.

Well, Binghamton, there’s always next year. Then we’ll show the Blue Devils why you don’t poop on the face of Baxter the Bearcat.

Trivia Night

Lessons learned at Trivia Night at a local cafe:

Roger Bannister broke the 4-minute mile, not, as stated by one of Broome County’s finest, “Flo’s Hymen.” Classy.

Never wear a t-shirt referencing “Corn Pops” lest Hymen-Man try to enter a discussion with you on the finer points of pit stains.

Don’t try to beat the man who drinks an uncomfortable amount of coffee. You will lose.

Coffee-Man will exploit the “free refill” policy more than Kathie Lee did Honduran kids. I’m talking nine cups in one jittery sitting. Just over an hour. Do that math. It’s horrifying. Do that math.

Townies have clever team names. Take, for example, “Blood Farts.” ’nuff said.

The anatomical name for a “bunch” of bananas is a “hand.” A hand of bananas. Not nearly as pleasing as a taint of bananas. Or even an anus of bananas. Hell, even a uterus of bananas would have been nice.
Nope, a hand of bananas. What a waste.

Movie Idea

A fresh new romantic comedy.

About impotence.

Tilda Swinton & Don Rickles star in:

As Soft as It Gets.

This summer, there is only one organ more tender than the heart…

APPLEBEE’S TO CUT OUT MIDDLEMAN

Michael Naramo, Associated Press

It’s no secret that American wallets are a little smaller these days. But, according to Applebee’s CEO Julia Stewart in a Tuesday press conference, their stomachs are as well. “Americans are used to shoving our food into their gaping maws,” Stewart begins, “but lately, there has been a renewed interest in saving their time, and their money.” In light of this new trend, the international chain is about to begin a new service: serving diarrhea in a soup bowl or on a dinner plate. Stewart believes that people are tired of having to take the time clenching their abdomens after consuming one of the chain’s many dishes.
Stewart believes this will improve relations with patrons of the restaurant: “Instead of forcing our valued customers to spend their hard-earned dollars on laxatives, ipecac, and anti-gas medications, we are now willing to bring the soupy, loose feces directly to their table. From here, they are free to have a pleasant conversation with friends or family, then return home with the brown or green mess wrapped up in one of our 98% leak-proof boxes. Once home, they can get rid of this diarrhea in their normal fashion.”
When being asked about customers’ potential responses, Stewart did not seem overly concerned. “The people that frequent our restaurant will be familiar not only with how our food looks going in, but also coming out. Our clientele will be able to tell the difference between our Parmesan Tilapia and our trademark Riblets not only through the smell of the feces brought to their table, but also the more subtle hints like color, texture, and the undigested bits of corn.” In a follow-up question, Stewart could neither confirm nor deny the rumor that the mixed vegetable side dish would be a casualty of the new program. Given her aforementioned comment about the corn, however, it seems that the fans of this dish are in luck. One question still lingers in the mind of most skeptics: where is all this sludge coming from?
“In an effort to save our customers’ time, we have a team of seven (7) illegal aliens at every location working around the clock to push our food through their systems. They defecate every half hour, with the assistance of a turkey baster if they get too nervous. Bottom line: the more irritated their bowels are, the better. In this way, we can best replicate the Applebee’s experience.”
In closing, Stewart had this to say: “We understand the needs of our customers. Time is tight, and here at Applebee’s, we want to make sure their anus’ are too. We are moving in a new direction, and that move is one that will make our regulars regular.”
The new service is scheduled to begin at all locations by the end of March.

HAIR REMOVAL MADE EASY!

Are you too big of a pussy to wax?

Too desperately poor to afford a disposable razor?

Or are you just sick of putting hot, foaming acid on your flesh? Not to mention the inconvenience of those pesky home skin grafting kits…

Well now there’s an easy solution: Smooth Away!

Our patented sandpaper pad is covered with a coat of fine glass particles. Simply drag this across your skin and you’ll see the hair disappear before your eyes with virtually no bleeding!

Gotta get rid of that embarrassing bikini bush? Use the Smooth Away to irritate it into softness.

And don’t worry, it exfoliates too! No more of that pesky outer layer of skin!

Order now and we’ll send forty of these things right to your door. It’s worth the dirty looks from your mailman. Just look him in the eyes and ask him whether or not he’s ever seen Gorillas in the Mist. Trust us, he’ll understand.

Do Not Delay! This is the number one selling hair removal product in Europe for a reason, people! Have you ever seen a British chick? Pasty skin, bad teeth?

Please order our product.

Cabbie Humor #1

You guys going back to campus? It’s two bucks a head.

That’s $2 for ladies, $4 for guys.

Hehe.